the need to write my thoughts down

Why hello, blog! It's been awhile :) I was just going through my old posts and i noticed that I only post in here during/when papi's sleeping.

oh well. I suddenly had the need to type my thoughts down. I just finished chatting with my brother. He sounded surprised and sounded a little unnerved also. I guess alienating my family has the effect to do that. He told me that we should catch up soon. Maybe I'll hear new news from him about the situation at home. Sometimes, I don't know if I want to know.

Such a complex relationship I have with my family... I try not to think about it so much and act nonchalantly about it. I manage to keep tabs on the emotional turmoil I have when I think about the past and my family, parents, the consequences of my every move... Sometimes, it's mentally exhausting that I just close my eyes and sleep and forget about everything. Go to my safe place and think that everything is gonna be alright.

Currently, work has been keeping me busy and use it to stay focus and positive. I also love the feeling work gives, it's my own no matter what. It is exhausting but you know what, no matter how exhausting, work has been keeping me stay humble and motivated that there are better things to learn in life than mope and stay mad at my parents. Work, design, fashion shoots, brainstormings and layouts--they are my walls and protection to all the negativity and mistakes I made in life. You can also say, that too much focus on this aspect might turn out my excuse to make up with my family. Honestly, I don't know and I'm also scared because deep inside I know that it might be true. And when I go to this point, I do what I do when I'm scared. I close my eyes and think of happy thoughts.

My friends tell me that I should take it one step at a time. but sometimes I feel like not taking that next step. I'm scared that the walls that I help build around me might break down and I might be left with nothing.

I wonder if this is how people who are faithless to God feel like? I heard once that once you open and surrender yourself to God and trust in Him that everything makes sense and you feel 10x better.

I do want to think that I have improved better than when I used to be. More responsible, mature and patient. I do know that I still don't have the answers to everything. In fact when I don't, that when my faith in God come in. Because I don't know what to do anymore. Like the days when I don't have enough to eat, I would be insecure and depressed. I'll try not to complain and try to make the best of things.

I learn things on my own and the only way of staying positive is trying to make the best of things. I maybe poor and don't have enough to eat, but I am thankful that I have someone who loves me and is willing to help me get through my problems. I am thankful for a job that I enjoy (when I'm not too stressed out). and I am thankful for friends who support my decisions and personal growth. I guess when I have alienated my own family, i make a new family. I feel sad a bit because I see other people happy with their family during Mother's Day, Christmas, New Years etc. But again, I tell myself that I should be happy for what I have. And normally I do.

Atleast, I still have a brother who can chat with me, even if he feels awkward. He only does because I guess he's just worried. And a sister who still communicates with me... i still have my family, even if I keep apart from them. I also have parents who have the maid bring random stuff in the office. really. I should be happy and content and keep pushing to grow, learn, love and forgive.

Life is really too short to linger on one season of my life you know. Didn't they say to take risks in life? Make mistakes, trip and again, that's just the way life is.

Well, I need to cut this LONG post now. Maybe I should post more feelings and just continue expressing how I really feel instead of keeping it inside like how I normally do. Talk soon. Time for shower and to buy dinner.

xoxo

Can't sleep

Wow. 1.33am and I need to be awake in 4 hours for an outreach. 5am exactly. Sigh. Papi's sleeping very nicely beside ( minus the snoring) I keep thinking about things like family, work, horror flicks, ecchi stuff ( yeah the big M doesn't work for me now ) boss coming in from her vacation leave tom. No comment on the dec cover proof yet.

I know worrying won't get me anywhere let alone sleep so I'm tiring myself out with typing on my iPod. Besides I haven't been posting in my blog as well. I'd check my emails too but it feels faster if I check it on my laptop. Sigh. Yawned already. And again. Eyes getting droopy. Too. Sigh.

I'm sort if glad papi's coming with me. More so for actually helping him get of the house and doing some physical work. I'm sure he's glad for something to do too. Talking about papi, I'm glad for his potential work soon and his website will soon be launched through his facebook :)

I'm real glad things are turning for the better for him this time around. Because for awhile I thought I was being such a burden for him. I love him so much because he's helping me get back on my feet. I only really feel safe when I am around him. And even if I know he's leaving to go to the states soon because of his parents I will cherish this time we have together. Every moment happy or sad or scary or bad he's always there for me holding my hand or teaching me lessons of life. That's just the way it is. And I'm very happy of what I have right now. Perhaps for now.

And as I wrap up my blogging from my iPod notes app ( cause my blogger app is acting up) I will close my eyes and hopefully snooze on to happier dreams.

Goodnight!

Awake

It's a quiet uneventful Saturday night/Sunday 12midnight. My boyfriends sleeping like a baby and I'm just drinking this peacefulness around us. It won't last. All this nice long weekends with him. He makes me feel safe and he is my only real home. I cling to him because he was there for me and understands me and comforts me when I'm really sad. And comfort him when I feel he's stressed out or when he needs strength. Holding in bed or hearing his heart beat while he sleeps makes me feel complete and that I don't need anything else in the world. To me he is my world. He I'd my dearest sanctuary. Every night I finish work, I can't wait to go home to him and kiss and cuddle him and make all my work worries go away. When I'm with him everything zooms in and life is simpler. I forget about the bills, deadlines, family drama... All I think about is how lucky I am to be held by a man who loves me. Despite everything. Loving me just the way I am. There is no past or future sometimes. Just the present feeling of his arms making me feel safe and loved.

Right now, I thank God for being kind to me so far. I am the luckiest woman despite every human mistake I have made in the past. I feel God has room for me in his heart to forgive and I am grateful for eveything I have. I pray I will cherish more moments with people I love like this in the future living simply only.

Understand

Trying my best to understand you. But everything I do is wrong for you. It makes me just want to stop and huddle in my side of the bed.

Fine after the pity tears and minute depressions I'll show you understanding. You're a jerk. And I know I don't hold up to your expectations. Letting you down isn't as bad as letting myself down. Because you're a jerk and you know I deserve someone better. Someone who can understand me more.

Ear infection

Must have came from a cold... Ear super hurts last night along with slight feverish feeling and a badheadache. Glad it's gonna be a long weekend on Friday. Resting my head (and ear) for an hour until I get ready for work at 12. Hope I feel a bit better today. Hopefully I can try to take it easy too.

New app

Downloaded this new app to use to blog via my touch :) can now further my addiction with blogging anytime!

Greeeeaaaaatttttttt!!!!!

new blog

well, i just posted my first ever blog post. this is certainly a big step for me. i havent had a blog for almost a year now... feels good. i wonder if i will have readers heheh...

well, for now, makes me feel glad to have one :) like a secret.

next step, revamping my site! hello fabulous pandemonium! (and whatta mouthful too!)