the need to write my thoughts down

Why hello, blog! It's been awhile :) I was just going through my old posts and i noticed that I only post in here during/when papi's sleeping.

oh well. I suddenly had the need to type my thoughts down. I just finished chatting with my brother. He sounded surprised and sounded a little unnerved also. I guess alienating my family has the effect to do that. He told me that we should catch up soon. Maybe I'll hear new news from him about the situation at home. Sometimes, I don't know if I want to know.

Such a complex relationship I have with my family... I try not to think about it so much and act nonchalantly about it. I manage to keep tabs on the emotional turmoil I have when I think about the past and my family, parents, the consequences of my every move... Sometimes, it's mentally exhausting that I just close my eyes and sleep and forget about everything. Go to my safe place and think that everything is gonna be alright.

Currently, work has been keeping me busy and use it to stay focus and positive. I also love the feeling work gives, it's my own no matter what. It is exhausting but you know what, no matter how exhausting, work has been keeping me stay humble and motivated that there are better things to learn in life than mope and stay mad at my parents. Work, design, fashion shoots, brainstormings and layouts--they are my walls and protection to all the negativity and mistakes I made in life. You can also say, that too much focus on this aspect might turn out my excuse to make up with my family. Honestly, I don't know and I'm also scared because deep inside I know that it might be true. And when I go to this point, I do what I do when I'm scared. I close my eyes and think of happy thoughts.

My friends tell me that I should take it one step at a time. but sometimes I feel like not taking that next step. I'm scared that the walls that I help build around me might break down and I might be left with nothing.

I wonder if this is how people who are faithless to God feel like? I heard once that once you open and surrender yourself to God and trust in Him that everything makes sense and you feel 10x better.

I do want to think that I have improved better than when I used to be. More responsible, mature and patient. I do know that I still don't have the answers to everything. In fact when I don't, that when my faith in God come in. Because I don't know what to do anymore. Like the days when I don't have enough to eat, I would be insecure and depressed. I'll try not to complain and try to make the best of things.

I learn things on my own and the only way of staying positive is trying to make the best of things. I maybe poor and don't have enough to eat, but I am thankful that I have someone who loves me and is willing to help me get through my problems. I am thankful for a job that I enjoy (when I'm not too stressed out). and I am thankful for friends who support my decisions and personal growth. I guess when I have alienated my own family, i make a new family. I feel sad a bit because I see other people happy with their family during Mother's Day, Christmas, New Years etc. But again, I tell myself that I should be happy for what I have. And normally I do.

Atleast, I still have a brother who can chat with me, even if he feels awkward. He only does because I guess he's just worried. And a sister who still communicates with me... i still have my family, even if I keep apart from them. I also have parents who have the maid bring random stuff in the office. really. I should be happy and content and keep pushing to grow, learn, love and forgive.

Life is really too short to linger on one season of my life you know. Didn't they say to take risks in life? Make mistakes, trip and again, that's just the way life is.

Well, I need to cut this LONG post now. Maybe I should post more feelings and just continue expressing how I really feel instead of keeping it inside like how I normally do. Talk soon. Time for shower and to buy dinner.

xoxo